I walk doggedly through an expanse that seems never-ending. All around me, the pale sands hide quiet, sleeping monsters ready to explode. Alone, I traverse this minefield, picking my steps both with determination and with caution. Alone, yet burdened, my back bent with the weight of all I am fighting for. I look around me, strategize, then go on instinct as the strategy fails me. I yearn to find the path out of this maze, to find my way to a calm space where I can be safe, my children can be safe, my world can feel safe again. I dig deep and push on, tiptoeing at times, but I force my back straight and my shoulders square and pull forth all the strength I have to go on.

I climb a sand dune, reach the top and gaze towards a horizon; in my view I unexpectedly see green. Filled with hope, I throw myself headlong down the slope, rolling chaotically downwards, my hair picking up oceans of sand as I go. Curls flying and arms flailing I reach the flat, brush myself off and try to pull myself together. I remember that things are not always as they seem in the desert, and I recenter myself. Moving forward step by eager step, I reach the area that had been green in my dreams only to find the mirage was just that: illusion. Sighing, I allow myself a few moments of desolation before swallowing the bitterness and once again finding my resolve. I knew it couldn’t have been real; such is life these days. Hope is proffered suddenly on a silver platter then just as rapidly pulled away. I have learned to understand this pattern, and though I may still fling myself headlong into the anticipation of joy, deep down I recognize that deception is more likely.

I try to remind myself, as I pilot my way through this time of my life, that this is only temporary. Though the future may seem distant, it will eventually be my present. These times of insecurity won’t last. The morass of devastation must have a boundary, and once crossed there may be vast fields of contentment. Recognizing the phantasm of an oasis at the bottom of that sand dune only reinforces my excitement for what will one day come, and I push onwards with that tiny spark lighting my way.