A Hungry Monster

I had a great case yesterday at work. Not great for the patient, but great for the physicians, in that the illness he suffered from is very rare and hardly ever diagnosed in the ED.

I was working a typical shift in yellow pod, one of our stretcher areas where we see sicker patients. Suddenly I heard “any doctor stat to resus!” and I took off running to our resuscitation area. I almost never run in the ED; it goes against all I was taught in my training. I walk, rapidly. But yesterday – I ran. When I got to the room, an young man with tousled, jet-black hair was lying semi-conscious in the stretcher, with a flurry of activity around him. His mother stood, lost, by the side of the bed. The triage nurse was on his way out of the room after handing over to the resus nurses, and took a minute to tell me that he had transferred the patient from the ambulatory waiting room after he lost consciousness and was snoring in a chair. His mother told me, via a Russian translator, that her son had come to the hospital for an annoying spot he couldn’t get rid of on his foot. I had a quick look – it was actually a wart, had been there for a month, and was not anything concerning.

I turned to the patient, registering his vital signs (normal) and his general status (semi-conscious, clearly confused, eyes open, breathing easily). I did a quick physical exam (normal heart and lung sounds, non-tender abdomen, moving all his extremities) and a colleague performed a bedside ultrasound. We noted some fluid around his heart, called a pericardial effusion. Otherwise, all was normal.

At this point, I suspected the patient had a seizure and not simply a syncope (fainting episode), but I needed to figure out exactly what had happened and why. I called for a nurse to check his blood sugar, because hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) can cause seizures. It was normal, even on the high side. I asked for an ECG (electrocardiogram) which showed slight abnormality but nothing concerning.

Given the fluid around his heart and the loss of consciousness, I knew I had to rule out an aortic dissection – when the largest blood vessel in the body tears and bleeds. This diagnosis can be rapidly fatal, and quick diagnosis is vital to expedite treatment (often operative). I sent him for a stat CT scan of his chest and abdomen. The scan ended up being normal.

At this point the results of some blood tests began coming out. I noted that his platelets, the part of blood that causes clotting, were at 2. That’s incredibly low, which struck me especially since he was a healthy young man with no past medical history. I ordered platelet transfusions to avoid major bleeding, and I thought to myself, OK, maybe he is bleeding in his brain since the platelets are so low. The patient’s mother had told me he was an athlete, so a minor head injury was certainly in the realm of possibility. Any slight hit to the brain with such low platelets could cause bleeding. So I sent him for a stat CT of his head; this, again, was normal. Thankfully.

But I still didn’t have an explanation for his seizure, or for the low platelets. Things weren’t making sense yet. Without a diagnosis, I couldn’t start a targeted treatment. Without knowing a cause for his illness, I was left doing supportive care while the investigations were pending. This often happens in the ED, but it’s frustrating when I want answers NOW.

Reviewing more blood tests I noted that my patient’s kidney function was abnormal, and had been normal on routine bloods done by his family doctor a few weeks prior. His liver function was also abnormal, from normal previously. He had anemia, a bit worse than previous. His heart enzymes, troponin, were elevated.

I looked in on him a few times in the middle of all this, and he continued to appear confused and sleepy – consistent with a post-ictal state (after a seizure).

I sat down at my desk and tried to piece together the puzzle in front of me. I realized that perhaps he was hemolyzing – breaking down blood cells – and ordered some more blood tests to verify this theory. I paged the hematologist, as well as the cardiologist given his cardiac abnormalities. But I thought to myself, there has to be a unifying diagnosis here. In Emergency Medicine, one of the tenets we learn and teach our learners is that patients present for, usually, ONE major issue. There is usually ONE diagnosis that pulls all the pieces together, and it is our job to figure this out. I thought to myself – ITP? Covid? Sepsis? (all dangerous and possible diagnoses).

I was about to open my second brain – UpToDate, an amazing online resource for physicians – when I noticed one of my senior colleagues had just sat down next to me. I turned to him and said, can you help me figure this out? I presented the case to him, and immediately he said “TTP!”. Ding ding ding went my brain. YES! This was the exact unifying diagnosis – and an often fatal one.

TTP is an acronym for “thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura” – a long name for a disease that causes exactly my patient’s constellation of symptoms. The diagnostic criteria are made up of a pentad of abnormalities: neurologic (confusion, seizures), renal compromise, anemia (a specific form of it, demonstrated by finding, under the microscope, fragments of red blood cells called schistocytes), thrombocytopenia (low platelets) and fever. There is often also a classic rash called purpura, or purplish discolourations that don’t blanch (lose colour) when you push on the skin. My patient was only missing the fever and the rash. Otherwise – he had it all. And the seizure he had made it so that she was suffering from severe TTP.

I knew we had to act fast. TTP has a fatality rate of 90% if left untreated; with plasmapheresis (plasma exchange, where the blood is filtered and exchanged for healthy cells), the fatality rate drops to 10-20%.

I canceled the platelets. There would be no point in transfusing them, because in TTP the body consumes these like a hungry monster, causing clotting in small blood vessels.

I called the hematologist and told her my concerns. She wasn’t sure, but agreed to come quickly.

I called the ICU physician who also came immediately.

I thanked my colleague profusely, for his incredible recall of such a rare disease.

Suddenly I heard, again, “Dr. Ahronheim stat to resus!” and again I took off running. I came in to see him having had another seizure. Thankfully, the ICU doc as well as the hematologist were already there, and they both agreed with the diagnosis of TTP. They had already sent an assay for a specific enzyme called ADAMTS13, which, when low, helps confirm the diagnosis.

The ICU doc set up to put in a central line, meaning a large intravenous in the internal jugular vein of the neck – this is needed in order to perform the lifesaving therapy of plasmapheresis. It’s also very dangerous in this kind of case, because low platelets means the patient is at significant risk of bleeding. I asked the nurses and respiratory therapist to be mindful of whether he started having a hematoma (collection of blood) in the neck, because that would make me intubate him immediately to protect his airway. Thankfully, the line was inserted without complications and very quickly the patient began his treatment.

Later in the shift, as I was finishing up my work, I got a phone call from the lab – the ADAMTS13 enzyme came back at ZERO. That’s crazy, and clearly confirmed TTP in this patient.

I went back in the room prior to leaving, to wish the family my best. I hope the patient will recover – we certainly gave him the best chance possible. It blows my mind that he came to the emergency department healthy, for a wart of all things, and ended up in the ICU. He is incredibly fortunate that his illness presented in the ED, and that thankfully the diagnosis was made rapidly. What if he had had this seizure in bed at home, and had presented to a hospital only many hours later? He was already in the severe category of illness by the time he ended up in the resus room – what if things had taken longer? What if he had come alone, and no one had noticed him unconscious in the waiting room – he was snoring, could have just been asleep! I spoke to the triage nurse afterwards and thanked him for picking up on this so quickly, transferring the patient to resus immediately. All told, the time from triage to diagnosis was less than 2 hours. Incredible.

I am proud to work in such a great ED, with colleagues who teach as much as they work, and that I can count on those around me to help me save lives every day.

Totality

April 8, 2024

Today, I sat in a wide open field in the park not far from home, with my children, my parents and hundreds of members of the community. Across the city, province, country and continent, millions of people gathered outdoors for a celestial show. Racing to the park, chasing the eclipse, we saw a rare sight: people on their doorsteps, on the corners, on the sidewalks, not looking at screens but instead looking up at the sky. What a treat, to witness teenagers actually talking and experiencing life, instead of hunched over their phones. What an experience, to see so many people out of their homes just for this incredible moment in time.

Above us, the sun was eaten piece by piece; a wheel of cheese losing calories as time went by. Periodically, we donned our glasses and gazed up as the orange ball above was squeezed behind the black sphere of the encroaching moon. The crescent of fire shrank minute by minute until finally only a small portion remained – then suddenly, a ring of white flame surrounded the pitch black globe and the field erupted in groans and cheers. Applause broke out as the seconds ticked by, and Venus sparkled just below the sun and moon. Then, an enormous halo encircled the star, satellite and planet and one lone airplane tracked shadows across the expanse.

Sitting with my nine year old boy and fourteen year old girl as totality approached, we felt the chill in the air and the real, guttural fear that only events like this can bring. My son looked at me and said “I’m scared”. I explained to him that yes, I was afraid as well, and that this sense of awe – in the real true meaning of the word – is something that humans have experienced since the dawn of time during events like these. A total solar eclipse, when the moon snuffs out the light of the sun for brief minutes, can feel like the end of days. The ninety seconds of totality felt so brief, yet endless. The exclamations of joy, wonder, surprise and yes, fear, from the hundreds gathered with us in the park, reminded me of the shared destiny of humanity – to travel through the stars together while the universe dances around us. Powerless. Tiny. Amazed.

A day like today inspires. It drives home the wonder of existence, the insignificance of our lives in the grand drama of the shifting, rotating spheres above. It whispers quietly of enormities beyond my comprehension, but screams of the fibers that tie us all together in a totality of being.

Mr. How Are You

I walked into the room. In it sat a man about ten years younger than me. The triage sheet said “panic, anxiety”. He was calm, but looked sad.

I introduced myself, “Hi, I’m Dr. Ahronheim, the Emergency physician today. How are you?”.

He smiled kindly and said “how are you today?”. Emphasis on the “you”.

It shook me.

And I realized, those simple words, expressed with such empathy and true feeling, “how are you today?” can make an enormous difference in one’s day.

Working as an emerg doc in a wildly busy department has become soul-crushing. The sheer volume of patients who come in with anything from a hangnail to truly severe, life-threatening illness, has become overwhelming. Over the last few weeks, I and my colleagues, be they physicians, nurses or support staff, have had to basically cross our fingers and make a wish that nothing will go terribly wrong each shift. Our newly built and superbly designed department was created specifically to avoid placing patients on stretchers in hallways. These days, the number of hallway patients just keeps growing. In our overflow area near triage, we had a full quorum of twenty patients most days last week. That is the number of rooms we have in each of our pods (stretcher zones). This means we would need an entire additional pod to house all these really sick patients.

Please understand – these are not patients with headaches, flu, or even kidney stones. These are patients with heart attacks, abnormal heart rhythms, severe abdominal pain, car accident victims, cancer patients, covid patients, and more. Many are elderly, infirm, or have a disability.

All these patients get care; we devote an attending physician to assessing and managing them, and a nurse to take vitals and start investigations. However, for medications and true management, they have to wait to be brought into a room. This is scary, and not at the level we are used to functioning.

Why is this situation like this, you may ask? Well, the largest issue is the volume of patients. They come from all over the city, and from sometimes way outside the city. Patients hear that our hospital and specifically our ED, is one of the best in the province. And so they come – they ignore their local hospitals, which might even be a block away from home – and come to ours. We can’t send them away. We can transfer them to their local site only once we assess and begin treatment, and only if that hospital accepts them. Often, the request for transfer is rejected, or the patient refuses a transfer. Then they stay with us. Which brings me to the next major issue – there is no room on the wards for patients. We can’t move patients upstairs to rooms until the wards discharge patients who are already there. The hospital is full, always.

And I didn’t even tell you about the “vertical” patients yet…

When I met Mr. How Are You, I was working in our “Rapid Assessment Zone”, also called “Vertical” because it was designed for patients who walk in (ie not brought by ambulance, not needing a stretcher). These days, the RAZ has morphed into essentially a grab-bag of non-acute and super sick patients. Every day, I see a mix of patients ranging from minor scrapes and bruises, hang nails or warts, to cancer patients who are short of breath, elderly people with chest pain, and severe allergic reactions. You just never know. That not knowing is one of the elements that drew me to Emergency Medicine; I love the uncertainty, the mystery, the excitement of each new case. However, this very same ambiguity has started to create an underlying tension in each of us; we no longer have the confidence that the RAZ waiting room has only stable patients. The day I met Mr. How Are You, I had one eighty-year-old man come out of an exam room into our doctor’s area, and collapse on the floor. He had been waiting eight hours in the waiting room. Then, I had a patient develop a severe allergic reaction necessitating epinephrine and a transfer to a cardiac monitor (luckily we had one available). Finally, I had a middle-aged woman with metastatic cancer who had been in the waiting room for ten hours, and by the time I saw her she was clutching her chest in severe pain. It turned out she had a complication in her lung from her cancer and needed admission with urgent intervention.

So RAZ has become a minefield.

In the middle of chaos and exhaustion, Mr. How Are You reminded me of the importance of taking just a moment to slow down. He reminded me that there are some patients who recognize that their doctor is also a person. So many patients these days are aggravated, frustrated, and concerned about the wait time – understandably so. They tend to forget that we, their physicians, are just as exasperated, just as discouraged, and just as frightened. We are doing our very best to ensure our patients receive the help they require and deserve, but we also need care. We need to be cared about.

So thank you, Mr. How Are You, for caring.

Gingko Biloba

Walking my dog has become a time of contemplation. Shasta is a sweet, smart, joyful tiny goldendoodle that joined our family as a 7 week old puppy in May of 2020. She’s truly my third child, and she brings me incredible happiness. I don’t always get the chance to walk her, as my crazy shifts at work often preclude that. Luckily, today I had the day off and taking her with me for a stroll of our neighborhood was a real bright moment of the morning. 

The yellow leaves decorating the streets, sidewalks and lawns crunched under our feet as we went up one block and down the next, Shasta sniffing her way along. The sun in my face and the breeze in my hair lifted my spirits, reminding me of the beauty of autumn. I noticed a tree that had lost almost all of its leaves; they lay peacefully on the grass beside me. 

The delicate fan-like shapes of the gingko biloba leaves at my feet transported me back to the campus of Queen’s University in the late 90’s. Being at Queen’s was one of the most peaceful, contented times of my life. I was young, free, independent, strong and directed. I knew what I wanted, how to get there, and that my life would work out and be wonderful. Walking the lawns between the stately buildings, I loved listening to the birds and observing the beauty of nature around me. There is an arboretum on campus, filled with multiple species of spectacular trees such as Black Walnut, White Ash and the graceful Gingko Biloba. I would walk through this tranquil environment on my way to and from class, and would often sit down in the grass and leaves to read a book or just calm my mind. During statistics class our professor sent us out into the trees to gather leaves, measure them and compare them mathematically; this was one of the most enjoyable assignments I’ve ever been tasked with completing.

The gingko leaves today brought me back to a time when I was at peace; I was really, truly, myself. I was unapologetic for who I was, what I believed, what I wanted out of life. Life was an adventure, with twists and turns that I enjoyed navigating no matter the outcome. Responsibilities were scant, and when present, they were never too much to bear. 

These days, my life, though wonderful in many ways, is complex. No longer unencumbered, I must steer my way through storms that recently have threatened to drown me. Enmeshed and highly successful in a career that is exactly what I always wanted, I am learning to pull back from the edge of burnout. A mother to two fascinating, marvelous kids, I have to figure out how to best parent them lovingly while maintaining appropriate limits. I must also keep them safe in a time of frightening uncertainty, when our very identity as Jews puts us at risk and the country we love, Israel, is at war. Add to all this the fact that my husband and I are navigating the most difficult patch in our fifteen-year marriage, and my world has become almost unsustainable.

So wading through memories of gingko biloba today, sun and wind kissing my cheeks, Shasta at my side, brought me peace in the midst of devastation. I remembered who I was, who I still am, and who I could one day be. I saw a past, present and future full of sun, trees, seasons and, I hope, serenity.

Swim Team Reflections

October 17, 2023

Sitting at my son’s swim team practice tonight I am reminded of the feeling I had last week, in this same spot. I sat here last Thursday evening, watching my boy swimming laps along with dozens of other hard-working kids. It was the day before the Hamas-declared “Day of Rage”, when Jewish communities around the world were fearful of attacks by supporters of the murderous Hamas brand of terrorism. Israel is at war with an enemy who didn’t hesitate, in fact planned, a massacre of over 1300 Israeli civilians: men, women, children, babies… And when Israel began to defend itself with airstrikes on Gaza, Hamas declared a day of global protest and “rage” on October 13.

I sat here last week, and felt the same way I felt in the early days of the covid pandemic in 2020. Then, too, my children and I were here at the pool. In fact, my kids were the very last ones in this place one evening, and just a few hours later the city closed the entire complex due to the pandemic. I remember sitting by this pool in March of 2020, knowing what was to come because, as an Emergency Physician, I knew. Sitting here last week, I felt a similar feeling of foreboding. I felt like things were shifting, changing, in a way that would impact us all for years to come.

Thankfully, the “day of rage” did not materialize into any significant actions. Our community here was calm, with protests downtown but no attacks. I went to work in the Emergency Department at the hospital which bears the word “Jewish” in its name, wearing my Star of David necklace proudly. We were all on edge, as security had been heightened, parking was closed to anyone but staff, and clinics were shuttered. The ED was eerily quiet, reminiscent again of the first year or two of the covid pandemic. Life felt scary. It still does.

These days all Jews around the world are unsettled. Our homeland is at war for it’s very survival, or so it seems. Families have been slaughtered or torn apart, rockets are landing all over the small land mass of our nation, and fronts are open in the north and south.

Today, I am in a very different stage of life than I was, when I lived in Israel and volunteered for Magen David Adom as an ambulance medic. Back then I was in my 20s, young, unafraid. I did not leave Israel when Saddam Hussein threatened to launch chemical and biological weapons at our cities. I did not leave even after working at the suicide bombing of the bus I was supposed to have been on. Leaving felt like abandoning my country, my people, my heart. My friends were on the front lines of ambulance work, but also in places such as Gaza and the West Bank.

Today, I am in my 40s, and my friends’ children are on the front lines. My friends’ adult children, are being killed. My friends are attending funerals for their children. When I call or text my friends, I ask about their children’s safety first. Yes, some have husbands on the front lines, who were called up from the reserves. But mostly, it is the next generation that are defending our land now.

Last week, Magen David Adom called me and asked if I could deploy this week as an Emergency Physician, to work in the ambulances in Israel. My heart wanted to say, “Yes! Yes! Put me on the next flight.” However, my soul knew I could not leave my children, my sweet, innocent, incredible children. Israel needs me, and the skills I have could be incredibly useful. I promised, when I left Israel for medical school in the summer of 2003, that if they called, I would rush to Israel’s aid as a physician. Last week, I had to break that promise to MDA, to Israel, and to myself. I hurt inside for having done that. I am in pain for having said no to Israel. But I don’t feel I had any real choice. My heart is in Israel, but my soul is in the arms of my children. In a time when so many are losing their children, and when children were murdered in horrible ways on October 7, I cannot leave mine.

Israel, I wish peace would come. I wish this would end. I wish I could guarantee the safety of my sister, her husband, her son. I wish I could throw a cloak of protection over the people of Israel, and defend them from all the evil in this world. But I can’t. All I can do is send love and support, and write these words on the sidelines of a swim team practice, on the other side of the world.

Simcha

It’s going to storm.

I am sitting on our back deck, in the place I call my paradise, and watch as the light is sucked from the sky. The growling of thunder in the distance reminds me that soon I should go inside, leave the garden to the rain. Alone with my thoughts, however, I let the breeze lift my hair as my fingers join to keyboard to record joy.

This morning, I was blessed to be invited to the Bar Mitzvah of my colleague’s son. Colleague – but also mentor, teacher, and most importantly, friend. Being a part of someone’s Simcha, (as we say in Hebrew, which means happiness, but can be more appropriately translated in this case as “joyful occasion”) makes my heart soar. Listening to the chanting in synagogue and then watching DS dancing with his incredible family, I couldn’t help but smile and feel a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in a long time.

As an Emergency Physician, I sometimes feel like a cog in a wheel. It’s easy to feel like I am replaceable, that were I to leave, no one would really notice because someone else would just fill my shoes. I think most of us feel this way. It’s hard not to.

But then a morning like today comes along, and reminds me that it is possible to be colleagues who care about each other. It is possible to feel connections to one another beyond that of co-workers. It is healthy, real and lovely.  

As I prepare to vacate my space outdoors, I make space in my heart for simcha. I welcome it, like I welcome the lightning, a bolt to my soul when I need it most.

How we define you

The first line of the chart read, “ID: 42y F. Markedly obese”.

Not simply “42y F” as I would have written, but “markedly obese”.

As if her obesity was the most important part of her. Her defining feature. The reason she came to the Emergency Department.

Written by a young male colleague, this way of identifying the patient I was about to meet unsettled me. Mrs. D. had presented to the ED the night before, due to pain in the back of her left knee and lower leg. She was asked to return this morning to have a venous duplex exam, which is an ultrasound of the veins of the leg, to ensure she didn’t have a blood clot.

Walking into the room, I met Mrs. D. as she stepped off the digital scale. It read 412.7 lbs. She looked at me, and I could see the shame in her eyes. Before she could speak, I said,

“Why were you weighing yourself?”

“It’s been years since I did. No scale will hold me.”

“It doesn’t really matter, you know. Your weight doesn’t define you.”

Giving me a sad but sweet smile, Mrs. D. sat down on the lazyboy in the corner. I knew we could relate, because I myself weigh at least 100 lbs more than I should, and it shows. I smiled back at her, taking in the fatigue on her face but also the light and the beauty.

In that same moment, I glanced at her legs, showing from the knees down as she pulled up the flowy spring dress she wore. On quick inspection, I couldn’t tell if one was more swollen than the other. After asking permission, I leaned down and palpated each leg, pressing deep to see if I could elicit pitting edema (when the tissues stay pressed in, forming a divot, for a few seconds). The legs looked equal-sized and non-pitting (which argued against a blood clot), without any redness or heat to suggest infection. Her left knee, however, was quite tender in the medial (inner) aspect, and upon further discussion I came to the conclusion that her pain was most likely related to a knee sprain as opposed to any other pathology.

It wasn’t a stretch to see that the colleague who was so quick to brush off Mrs. D. as obese, likely hadn’t taken the time to adequately examine her very large legs. He probably felt revulsed by them, and would not have worked very hard at identifying landmarks or particular points of tenderness. I, on the other hand, having no fear or concern about her size, quickly ascertained a more appropriate differential diagnosis.

When Mrs. D. returned from her ultrasound with a report showing no clot, I was not surprised. Sitting her down again, I explained what I thought, which was that her pain was joint related. While true that her weight could be a contributing factor, I was careful to explain that I thought she had actually injured the knee with a particular movement. She told me that her work involves heavy lifting, and that she is always on her feet both at work and at home where she functions as a caregiver to her elderly parents. Her kids are teenagers already, so don’t need as much help as toddlers would, but she still finds herself running after them at times.

As we neared the end of our conversation, I could see the tears brimming to the surface, though Mrs. D. tried to seem stoic and nonchalant. It was easy for me to understand her fatigue, her sheer exhaustion, and in that moment I grasped why she was really in the ED. Yes, her leg was hurting. But more than that – she was hurting. Sitting down across from her, I asked if she was ok. Tears began to spill down her cheeks as she realized that yes, this doctor actually cared. This doctor was going to delve deeper than flesh, look beyond the obesity that my junior colleague had marked as her defining characteristic.

She chose to trust me, and with the tears spilled her story. She needed a break. Her body ached. Her emotions were fraught. She was stressed at work, stressed at home, pushed to her breaking point. She couldn’t take it anymore. But she didn’t feel right taking time off work, because the team needed her. They were short-staffed. She thought they would be upset with her. She didn’t want to leave them in the lurch.

I left the room momentarily and returned with an Off Work note. I told her that my prescription for her was two weeks off, to rest and recuperate. I explained that her knee needed a break, and so did she. Looking at me with relief, I could see that this was what she needed – someone else to say, “You need to stop”. She thanked me for actually listening to her, and left the room with a small smile.

Mrs. D. made me reflect on what it means to be an obese person in this world. Being obese myself, I feel shame at the size of my body, the rolls of my stomach, my flabby upper arms, my enormous thighs. I feel disgusted with what I’ve let my body become. But then, I look at a woman like Mrs. D., twice my size, and I recognize how truly beautiful a large body can be. My girth holds me up; it bolsters me. It can be a strength, rather than a weakness. A large body is just that – a large body. It doesn’t define who a person is, how they see themselves, what they can do in the world. As a physician, I try to remember this every day and with every patient. Every body is different, as is every soul.

Defining a person by their obesity, their anorexia, their body hair, their scars – this is not how I want to practice medicine. It is not how I want to live my life. I understand what it’s like to inhabit a body that others judge, and knowing how that makes me feel, I would do an utter disservice to my patients were I to judge them based on their looks.

Thank you, beautiful Mrs. D., for stepping on that scale with courage, letting me see your fortitude, and by doing so, reminding me of my own.

Red Tide

All it takes is an instant, one moment, one nick in the tissue and it’s over. One rip, one rend, the fabric opening so finely then suddenly tearing – spilling a life, emptying a vessel. The aorta, largest vessel in the body and most explosive, a ticking time bomb without sound. A silent assassin, pulsating innocently until one day, one millisecond in time, it destroys. Life-giver, bringing blood and oxygen to each cell, and life-taker.

And that’s it. A life, so many years of growth, love, things beyond measure, gone in a flash of blood and tears and emptiness. Leaving a void, unimaginable to the ones left in the wake of the red tide inside you. You are gone, without even the time to say goodbye.

The aorta – nightmare of the emergency physician, demon of my dreams.

Feeling hot hot hot

This week covid finally got me.

Thank God and science for vaccines and Paxlovid.

It’s the end of Tuesday tonight, and on Saturday I worked a night shift from midnight until 10 a.m. Sunday morning. During the shift, I began to feel a bit faint. I had vertigo, that sensation of motion that is so disconcerting, but I attributed it to having been on the boat all day with my family prior to coming to work. By 10, when I was preparing to leave the hospital, I felt presyncopal. I had to sit down, because I truly felt like I might pass out. I chalked it up to exhaustion and went home.

I don’t really remember much from there on – getting home, maybe grabbing something to eat in the kitchen, falling into bed and asleep within minutes. Usually after a night shift I come home, make breakfast, maybe shower, watch an hour of TV to decompress, read the news and eventually fall asleep later than I had planned. Not this time. I woke up multiple times during the day, and though my AC was blasting I felt hot hot hot. I had a rip roaring headache (but I always get this after a shift, and my period is due), but suddenly I also had significant nasal congestion. After waking up a billion times I decided I couldn’t really sleep, and when I got out of bed at 5 pm to go to the washroom I realized I had chills. I took my temp and without much surprise saw 38C come up on the thermometer. Huddling back under my covers I texted “FUCK, I have fever” to my colleague at work, to my husband and to my mom. I took the rapid covid test kit and swabbed myself. Within seconds the telltale two lines appeared.

I felt the world close in on me. I could see my life flash before my eyes – really. I watched scenes – of proned patients, ventilators, staff in full PPE – parade through my mind as I ticked off my risk factors: severe asthma, obesity, on a biologic medication that could suppress my immune response. Add to that my two previous pulmonary embolisms and the fact that covid causes clots. Taking a deep breath I swallowed two Tylenol and texted my colleague in charge of this at work, who promptly got on the phone with my colleagues in ID. Within 2 hours my mother had picked up my prescription for Paxlovid and left it outside my door along with fresh fruit, and I downed the first three pills minutes later.

After getting a handle on myself I tested my 7 year old son (actually, he tested himself – what a brave kid) and he rapidly came up positive. Luckily, my husband and daughter tested negative. I pulled my son into our bedroom and shut the door.

My boy and I have been isolating in my bedroom since then, using the upstairs washroom, and his bedroom when he wants to play. We walk through the downstairs in N95s to get to the backyard, where we can eat and relax in fresh air. The healthy pair have taken up residence in the living room, sleeping in blankets and sleeping bags on our couch. They watch TV and movies in the evenings and bring us sickies our meals. Not so bad – things could be much worse than this. We are blessed to have a home on multiple floors with a big back deck and yard. Isolating from family in a small apartment must be extremely difficult.

Paxlovid is a game changer, along with the four doses of vaccine I received over the last year and a half. Whereas early in the pandemic I might have ended up ventilated in the ICU, or worse, dead, I can happily say that I think I will be just fine. Aside from the disgusting metallic taste in my mouth (a constant since starting the medication), I am feeling a heck of a lot better. On day 1 and 2 I felt like I had been hit by a truck and could barely move around. My body ached, my energy was at zero, my head hurt like hell and I had soaking night sweats. By the end of day 2 I was already feeling better. Today, I felt myself except for the lack of energy. I did however feel spry enough to plant in our garden, but for the rest of the day I sat in a comfy chair on the deck and read “Station Eleven”. Creepy book – written in 2014, it’s an imagined existence after a pandemic wipes out global society. It’s a fantastic read, and though I had bought it just before covid, I couldn’t bring myself to read it until I finally caught the virus.

So here I am, on the other side of imagining my own demise, surviving and thriving enough to write this piece. It’s devastating however, to realize that all it took was one week – ONE WEEK – of enjoying normal life again, in order to finally catch the beast. I was off work on staycation, and we sent one child to day camp and the other to riding camp. We went to swim team practices, a packed swim meet, tennis lessons and horseback riding lessons. We went to indoor swim lessons, and didn’t wear masks on the pool deck. We participated in a back-to-life normal Canada Day celebration with inflatables, face painting, singing, cotton candy and pony rides. We lay on the grass in the field by the pool with a thousand other happy people, watching the fireworks in the sky above; we screamed with joy along with everyone else. We lifted our voices in peace and gratitude for surviving, for finding this moment in time when life once again felt like it used to.

And this is where it got us.

Thank God and science for vaccines and Paxlovid.

Otherwise, I don’t know where we would be.

But here we are, and we are fine. It was worth it. For our family to live a quasi-normal life, I would take multiple episodes of feeling like a train ran me over, as long as I come out of it feeling OK and healthy. I will take as many boosters as the healthcare system offers me, if it means we can live our lives and hug our friends with love and joy in our hearts.

Don’t get me wrong – we all still need to be cautious. Wear masks indoors. Stay home if you have any symptoms. But get vaccinated, boosted, and do it proudly. This will save you – this will save us all.

Missing Feet

May 25, 2021
2:18 am

My dad’s slippers sit
On the wooden shoe shelf in the garage
Covered, squeezed in, under others
My mother’s slippers too

They remind me of loss
These soft slides used to sit in prime position in the front hall
Waiting for warm, old, familiar feet
To fill them and come in

The floors are lonely
Quiet, desolate, cool and forlorn
Missing the creak, the slap of your feet
Gathering dust in corners unswept

I want to see your feet fill these shoes
Walking on the scratched hardwood
Resting next to the couch as we sit side by side
Curled up cozy under you in my home

These slippers, they haunt me
Sing soft sounds of regret and yearning
Peering up at me with hope
Reminding me that soon, soon you will come